On Putting Myself Out There

About (just over) a month ago I was dumped. There’s no getting round it. I felt (and still do feel) all the things you’d normally associate with being dumped – unwanted, unattractive, unsexy. Lots of ‘un’s. If you want to read any of my creative responses to being dumped, examples can be found here and here.

One of the main causes of our break-up was our lack of communication about how we really felt. I’m not talking about opinions on what movie we wanted to watch or what food place we wanted to eat at, but on what we actually felt about, and for, each other. There was a number of reasons on both sides why we never really communicated this (vocally or written), but one of the main reasons on my part is my shyness.

I have always been and will always be shy about my emotions. I’m usually an exceedingly happy person, but when I have other emotions – more personal emotions – I’m not really sure what to do about them or how to share them. I’m getting better and I’m learning, but it’s a long process.

I am not looking for anything new. I spent two very happy years with my ex, and one month isn’t long enough to re-adjust to a life that he’s not in. That said…

The other day I was out clubbing with my housemates, and whilst waiting at a bar a couple of guys struck up a conversation with me because they thought I was friends with their friend – the girl I happened to be stood next to at the time. I wasn’t, but we kept chatting whilst waiting for drinks, and at the end of it I got one of the guy’s numbers. Admittedly the situation was more that his mate wanted to set him up rather than the guy himself looking for a hook up, but nevertheless. I text him my number, got my drink, and thought nothing of it.

A couple of days passed and I remembered the guy. I remembered I had his number. I remembered thinking he was interesting, and he had a cute accent, and I was interested in getting to know him a bit better. Normally, this is the time old Vicki would wait for him to text (which is actually what my housemates encouraged) but new Vicki couldn’t really be bothered to wait around for that to happen. So I text him, and asked if he wanted to meet up for a coffee sometime.

The feeling after I pressed send was amazing. I was so proud of myself. It didn’t matter to me what his response was – at the end of the day he’s just a guy who I don’t know and probably will never see again – but the thing that always had held me back in the past, the fear of rejection, wasn’t there. It felt good. I’d even go so far as to say that I felt powerful.

Ultimately nothing came of it: he replied and let me know it wasn’t a good time for him at the moment, and I responded letting him know if his situation changed then he could text me.

A couple of years back the remarkable Rosianna made a video titled ‘Ask Out Your Barista’ in which she gave sage advice for final year uni students (of which I am now one). I always wanted to be that girl – the girl confident enough to put herself out there and not care about the consequences. Now, in some small way, I think I’m getting there. And I’m so proud of that. It’s also made me more prepared to do things like this in the future, if only for the boost of self-confidence (empowerment?) it gave me.

If you’re in a position where you think you might be interested in someone or want to know them better, ask them for a drink. From my very limited experience, it’s a much nicer feeling to know where you stand than it is to pine over someone and worry that what you might say will ruin something, be it a friendship or relationship. And you never know, they might just say yes.