On Putting Myself Out There

About (just over) a month ago I was dumped. There’s no getting round it. I felt (and still do feel) all the things you’d normally associate with being dumped – unwanted, unattractive, unsexy. Lots of ‘un’s. If you want to read any of my creative responses to being dumped, examples can be found here and here.

One of the main causes of our break-up was our lack of communication about how we really felt. I’m not talking about opinions on what movie we wanted to watch or what food place we wanted to eat at, but on what we actually felt about, and for, each other. There was a number of reasons on both sides why we never really communicated this (vocally or written), but one of the main reasons on my part is my shyness.

I have always been and will always be shy about my emotions. I’m usually an exceedingly happy person, but when I have other emotions – more personal emotions – I’m not really sure what to do about them or how to share them. I’m getting better and I’m learning, but it’s a long process.

I am not looking for anything new. I spent two very happy years with my ex, and one month isn’t long enough to re-adjust to a life that he’s not in. That said…

The other day I was out clubbing with my housemates, and whilst waiting at a bar a couple of guys struck up a conversation with me because they thought I was friends with their friend – the girl I happened to be stood next to at the time. I wasn’t, but we kept chatting whilst waiting for drinks, and at the end of it I got one of the guy’s numbers. Admittedly the situation was more that his mate wanted to set him up rather than the guy himself looking for a hook up, but nevertheless. I text him my number, got my drink, and thought nothing of it.

A couple of days passed and I remembered the guy. I remembered I had his number. I remembered thinking he was interesting, and he had a cute accent, and I was interested in getting to know him a bit better. Normally, this is the time old Vicki would wait for him to text (which is actually what my housemates encouraged) but new Vicki couldn’t really be bothered to wait around for that to happen. So I text him, and asked if he wanted to meet up for a coffee sometime.

The feeling after I pressed send was amazing. I was so proud of myself. It didn’t matter to me what his response was – at the end of the day he’s just a guy who I don’t know and probably will never see again – but the thing that always had held me back in the past, the fear of rejection, wasn’t there. It felt good. I’d even go so far as to say that I felt powerful.

Ultimately nothing came of it: he replied and let me know it wasn’t a good time for him at the moment, and I responded letting him know if his situation changed then he could text me.

A couple of years back the remarkable Rosianna made a video titled ‘Ask Out Your Barista’ in which she gave sage advice for final year uni students (of which I am now one). I always wanted to be that girl – the girl confident enough to put herself out there and not care about the consequences. Now, in some small way, I think I’m getting there. And I’m so proud of that. It’s also made me more prepared to do things like this in the future, if only for the boost of self-confidence (empowerment?) it gave me.

If you’re in a position where you think you might be interested in someone or want to know them better, ask them for a drink. From my very limited experience, it’s a much nicer feeling to know where you stand than it is to pine over someone and worry that what you might say will ruin something, be it a friendship or relationship. And you never know, they might just say yes.

Ch-ch-changes and spreading some love

So, since its Valentines, I've been thinking a lot about how much has changed in my life over the past year.

This time last year I woke up, hungover, next to a rebound guy on my best mates sofa.
This time last year I was heartbroken.
This time last year I was the most stressed I have ever been.

Suffice to say this year has been a hell of an improvement.

I woke up to my phone buzzing at the ripe hour of 7.20am (it was a text from my boss) and spent the day writing an essay. Ok, maybe not a huge improvement then. But I'm not stressed and I'm getting taken out by the fella tonight. So things are looking very much on the up.

It's hard at times like this not to reflect on the past, what the year has brought. Which is what makes it so hard if you're someone who is affected by being single on Valentines. My past V-day's ain't been that good. As I said last year I was hungover and alone, the year before that I was avoiding the guy i was with and broke up with him the next day. Before that I didn't have boyfriends. So, this is a first for me.

I just wanted to spread the love a little. Wherever you are, I hope you have a wonderful day, and whether or not you celebrate St. Valentine, I hope it's filled with love.

If you're missing out on some lovin, I recommend you watch this video, it always causes my heart to burst a little http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0QVQSZA9zSk

Love You Bye

xx

Reflection and Resolution

Ok, so it's the New Year. A time for reflection and a time of resolutions. So I guess this is what this post will be about.

Catch-up-time: The last time I posted I was a bit down - not just with a hideous illness that wouldn't clear itself for weeks, but also with life. I felt a bit alone and very lost. However, a couple days after that post things began to look up. Firstly, one of my uni friends suggested we live together, so it's looking like I might actually have the makings of a plan for next year. Which can only be a good thing. As much as I love my family, their constant jibes about how I'm an adult so I should be doing things more independently (every time I ask for their advice) are more than getting on my nerves. Secondly, Christmas happened. I love Christmas, the food, the company, the present giving - all of it. There is something inherently lovely about a time of year when people cuddle up by the fire and give each other things to let each other know they love them. I just like that a lot. When I was little I used to just get excited about the gifts, and whilst unwrapping a present will never lose it's tiny thrill, the act of giving the perfect gift is even better.

All of this hasn't been without it's complications. My 'home-friends' have all been missing the love a little. We didn't really meet up at all through November, which made us all feel unwanted, left out and alone, and all of us were completely oblivious to the fact each other felt like that. It's started to look up again now. I think we've began to realise that the nature of our friendship is changing - its growing into something more mature and we need to be more mature about it. It's so easy to hang out with the home crew because everything just slides back into normal. It's just nice. And I think we're appreciating the good times a bit more now.

Things are looking up now. I'm an optimistic person. That's not always a good thing - it leaves me open to disappointment and heart ache. But I always argue that if I do get hurt I'll mend easier because I look forwards, not backwards. New Years is a time for looking forwards. Here are my resolutions - or rather my goals - for the next 12 months:

1) Stop texting whilst I'm in conversation - I do it far too often and it's just rude, particularly if I'm with people who i don't get to see so often.

2) Update this blog more regularly. I have all these ideas for posts and I never get around to writing them. That needs to change. I'm not promising once or twice a week, but at least every fortnight would be good for me.

3) Compile a portfolio - all this last semester I got given a lot of starting material and was told to write this up to create a portfolio. Needless to say, I haven't done this yet. This is more of a short term goal, but I really need to achieve this.

4) Read more - not just course stuff but I need to make time for reading. If I have some down time, I need to get off the Internet or turn off the telly, put on the kettle and curl up with a book. Recently I read a book that re-kindled my love of good literature (I'll review it soon) and I just spent half of yesterday reading with the fella (I didn't have much choice - he borrowed 'Catching Fire' and powered through it. I fell asleep whilst he read till 1.20am. He took 'Mockingjay' with him.) so hopefully that'll encourage me.

5) Be proactive. I have a habit of doing the easy thing - especially when that easy thing is sit and do nothing. I need to, to borrow a phrase from Hank Green, grab life by the testicles. This is the most important of all my resolution, and it kind of encompasses them all. It's only by being proactive that I'll be able to achieve my goals. It's gone past the time in my life when I can breeze through - I need to work hard. And that's not a bad thing.

And finally, 6) Say no. Over the past term I've found myself getting more and more exhausted. that's why I was so ill - I was too tired. The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind and I can feel myself slowly getting more and more shattered again. I've got to learn i can say no, and I can focus on myself for every so often.

Be strong, be true, be good and spread love.

TTFN xx

Reasons Why I am a Massive Girl

It's strange how things happen sometimes. Little coincidences that kind of feel like more than just coincidences, even though that is all they are.

On Thursday the guy who I have this "thing" with went to Copenhagen to visit his brother who has just moved out there for the next two years. The next day I get a text from my ex, giving me his new phone number. Now that in itself isn't all that strange - the text was just a mass text, not an attempt to re-kindle lost romance.

But then today happened. I get a text from a guy who I was seeing briefly (we went on walks together, the pub occasionally and I went over to his house to watch a movie once). Now that *is* strange. We didn't end on the best of terms (he had just got out of a really big relationship when we started seeing each other so didn't really want a relationship, but all the signs he was giving indicated that he was up for one. I wasn't ready for another relationship, but he didn't really understand that. I asked him if he was messing me around and he said yes.) but because we got on well, we kinda kept in contact. By in contact I mean once or twice a month one or the other of us would text and we would make small talk about what we were up to or how we were - by no means a close friendship. For the past couple months, I've been the one getting in contact, but today he text me. For all intents and purposes out of the blue. Our last exchange of texts had essentially been me saying that we couldn't go back to how things were four months ago, as I had started this thing with my friend. So it was a bit strange that he text me. Nice, but strange.

Now, I am fully aware that this is all a massive coincidence. And yes, Freshers is soon so the chance I will meet new people (new guys?) is on the cards, and the guy with the thing is away and we aren't an actual couple, but... really?

So. Just being a massively stereotypical girly girl. Sigh.

In other news, one of my best friends left for Uni today! We had a lovely meal at The Bell and girly chats. She will be sorely missed - and if by some chance she stumbles upon this little corner of the Internet: GOOD LUCK HONEY!!

TTFN! xx

Just Finished: Flappers and Philosophers (Kindle edition) by F. Scott. Fitzgerald. Rating: ****
Currently Reading:  The Pilgrims Progress (Kindle edition) by John Bunyan.

Anna Karenina (SPOILERS) and Bitches Be Crazy

Like it says in the title: WARNING! THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS! Just so's y'all aware.

Remember. SPOILERS. So feel free to exercise your free will and go right ahead and not read this, ok? Good. Just double checking we are on the same page over here.

So initial thoughts: I enjoyed this film. I really did. There weren't any points when I sat there thinking about what I wanted for tea or anything like that. It was engaging and intriguing. For some reason I'm not raving about this film, and I can't quite put my finger on why. It might have something to do with the fact I didn't read the book first, and the two male leads (played by Jude Law and Aaron Taylor-Johnson) both have the same first name, or maybe because at one point the (overall excellent) cinematography made me a little dizzy. But all of those things I can completely overlook for the following reasons.

Background info/basic plot-type-thing: So, Anna Karenina (as a film) is based on the Leo Tolstoy novel of the same name and stars many fabulous actors, including Kiera Knightly (who I will be eternally infatuated with), Jude Law (ditto), Aaron Taylor-Johnson (ditto) and Matthew MacFadyen (oh come on guys he was Darcy! Obviously I am going to be madly in love with him! The 2005 adaptation of P&P is still my favourite adaptation. Think about it. Him. Kiera. Rupert Friend. Carey Mulligan. Donald Sutherland. See what I mean...).

It follows the story of Anna (Knightly)- a rich Russian woman -who is married to a much older man, Alexei Karenina (Law) - a prominent politician - with whom she has a son. Her son is the centre of her world at the beginning of the film. Her brother Oblongsky (MacFadyen) has been having an affair, so Anna goes to visit her sister-in-law (Dolly - played by the amazing actress Kelly MacDonald) to try to convince her to take him back. Whilst she is there she goes to a party with Dolly and Dolly's sister Kitty. It is at this party that we are introduced to Kitty's two suitors - Levin (a wealthy land owner) and Count Vronsky (Taylor-Johnson). Levin is madly in love with Kitty and proposes to her - she turns him down in favour of Vronsky. However, at this party Vronsky meets Anna (technically for the second time - they also met at a train station when Vronsky gave money to the family of a worker who had just been run over by the train he was fixing) and it becomes very clear that they are attracted to one-another. Kitty is distraught and Anna, feeling guilty, returns quickly home. However, Vronsky follows her and they begin a passionate affair, with Anna eventually falling pregnant. There is a very complicated situation in which Alexei refuses to divorce Anna on the grounds it will ruin her, but eventually after the birth of the child he begins the divorce procedure. Anna is rejected from society and, highly aware of the whispers that follow her, becomes increasingly jealous of the attention she perceives Vronsky giving to other women, and is convinced he is having an affair (as Dolly tells her "men never change").

Meanwhile, both Levin and Kitty are miserable, however Levin has the added concern of a very ill brother who is also revolutionary anti-capitalist. Levin finally plucks up the courage to ask Kitty to marry him again (with a little help from Oblongsky) and they appear to have a happy future together.

Anna, on the other hand becomes increasingly more manic and convinced of Vronsky's falling out of love with her, and so throws herself under a train. The film ends with Alexei sitting in a field, happily watching his son and Anna's daughter play together.

So, as you can its a pretty complicated story, even with only the bare bones. The whole film was set in a theatre, which I adored, and with many of the scene changes the camera simply followed the main character as they walked from set to set, with extras pulling in new furniture or pulling down backdrops. This was such a clever idea - and even though it made me a little dizzy at points - it added such a sense of atmosphere and also entrapment, which became vital as the film reached it's conclusion.

The acting performances were incredible. There wasn't a single character who was weak. I particularly enjoyed MacFadyen's performance as he held some light comic relief for the film without detracting for its dark plot.

The thing I most enjoyed about the film, however, was it's presentation of women in the late 19th century. Women are completely trapped within society. It is acceptable for a man (in this case Oblongsky) to have a series of affairs and still be deemed a respectable gentleman. Anna, on the other hand, is condemned by most of society for her affair  (with the exception of Dolly, Princess Betsy and Princess Myagkaya). She has no escape, except madness and, ultimately death. This is a theme that is reflected through literature over centuries, from Shakespeare to Bronte. Madness is the final escape of a women who is perceived to me damned (multiple times throughout the film Anna and Alexei refer to her damnation).

This struck a particular chord with me as the guy I went to see the film with and I had been discussing how women go "crazy" in relationships. He argued that women go more crazy than men, and recounted from his personal experiences with girls he had been in relationships with. I argued that women and men go equally crazy, just if a man goes crazy it is perceived as sweet and "oh my gosh look how in love he is with you", whereas is if a women goes crazy then she is psycho, creepy, something to be avoided. It amazed me that this was still so prevalent in society today - a society that prides itself of equal rights and anti-discrimination. The complete sexism of the perception of the emotional states of men and women. It disgusted me that we still viewed the world in this way, and also made me reflect on the different escapes women have for their emotions now as opposed to a century or so ago. Luckily we have a lot more outlets. Women are allowed to be viewed feeling and experiencing the same emotions as men - through literature and art and self-expression. And the fact we are allowed that shouldn't be undervalued. But to be honest, it shouldn't have been something we were "allowed" by men. It should have been accepted as norm a long, long time ago. That is what is so hideous about society. It still holds patriarchal values. Films like this highlight how recently these values were held so much stronger than they are today, as well as the fragility with which they are held.

Recommended reading: www.justmargaret.tumblr.com she posts some excellent things on feminism and you should probably check her out.

Anyway, I am told that the book was better than the film, so I'll be reading that as soon as I can.
Rating: 4 stars

TTFN!! xx

Currently Reading: Flappers and Philosophers (Kindle edition) by F. Scott. Fitzgerald.